Shut Up or I'll Kill You
by RIPStitches
Summary: Rick has a very disturbing dream, which may scar him for life. Slashy humour Rick/Vyv , nothing too graphic.


**Er, yeah. My first YO fic, just based on a cute little scenario I thought up when I was half-dreaming. The first bit's Rick's dream, from his POV, and the second bit...isn't. Meant as a oneshot, but I might incorporate ideas from this into a bigger story if I ever get round to it.**

Vyvyan's still asleep, snoring contentedly, the top spike of his orange tri-whatever beginning to droop slightly towards the pillow. I reach out and trace my fingers along his sharp jaw and up towards his cheekbone, enjoying watching his peaceful features without being hit with any blunt objects. He stirs, mumbles something that might be an insult, and then eases open one blue eye.

'You know' I say softly 'You're really not bad-looking, when you're not pulling any stupid faces.'

He scrunches his face up into his usual gurn for a moment and then hooks his arm round my waist and yanks me a bit closer, chuckling.

'And you' he says, in a low voice completely unlike his usual Vyvyan screech, 'can say yer 'R's' quite well, when y'not thinking about it.'

'I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about . My pwonounciation has always been per...Vyvyan! You bastard! What are you doing? That's completely inapprop-'

But he's already got me pinned on my back, a steel-toed boot immobilising each of my legs, a freakishly strong hand clamped round each wrist. Vyvyan grins down at me with the devil's glint in his eyes, a Cheshire Cat gone horribly wrong somewhere.

'Rick' he says, ignoring my feeble protests and sliding a knee up towards my crotch 'Shut up, or I'll kill you.'

I can't argue with that, and I'm sick of pretending I want to.

--

'AAAAUUUUURRGHHH!'

Rick jerked awake, sweating, wide-eyed and still screaming. 'Ohh, Chwist' he moaned. 'I think I'm going to...Ugh..'

He was suddenly and violently sick.

'Oh, wow, Rick' wafted Neil's voice from next door 'Like, don't worry about me or anything. Just keep screaming and, like, spreading your bad vibes everywhere, it doesn't matter that I've been up all night having a really bad time, actually, trying to achieve cosmic peace and harmo- ' He entered the room, where Rick was sitting with his head between his knees, pale-faced and shaking. 'Oh, heavy, Rick, you've thrown up everywhere...'

'NEIL!' screamed Rick, leaping to his feet, seizing his long-suffering housemate by the scruff of the neck, and dragging him out onto the landing. 'NEIL, you USELESS, DISGUSTING, WORTHLESS, WREVOLTING ...' he searched vainly for a word 'HIPPY, if your bells and incense and...if your hocus-pocus rubbish has somehow...If you've been DOING something to my DWREAMS, NEIL, I swear I will RWIP your FACE OFF and make you CLEAN THE TOILET WITH IT! OK?!

'Rick, man, I swear, I honestly never...' stammered Neil, struggling desperately to get even a little bit further away from Rick's popping eyes, manic expression, and partial nudity. At that moment, however, he was interrupted by Vyvyan slamming open the door to his room, armed with a baseball bat and a dangerous expression.

'PRICK, YOU UGLY, BOTTOM-FACED BASTARD' he roared, thwacking him round the head with the bat and knocking him to the ground. 'What have I told you about waking me up at this time in the morning?' Ignoring Neil's 'but Vyv, it's like, four in the afternoon', he continued – 'If I wanted to hear your girly screaming when the SPG and I are in the middle of – Well, I'd come over here and beat it out of you, wouldn't I?'

Rick bounced up from the floor, smoothing his hair and trying unsuccessfully to look casual. 'Oh, um, er, morning Vyvyan, sorry about that, I was just, er, crying out in empathy with the kids. Because of their plight under the fascist Tory government, y'know. The People's Poet has to suffer for his art...' He dodged another swipe from Vyv. 'And before that I was having a completely normal and very masculine dream about, naked girlies and such, that actually didn't involve you, or my bottom at ALL, actually, if you must know, so you can just stop thinking those' he gestured wildly towards Vyv '_thoughts _you're having right now, pervy.' He put his hands on his hips and looked pleased with himself.

Neil and Vyvyan looked at each other, and then back at Rick, bafflement all over their faces. For once, neither of them had anything to say. Rick stared back at them for a few seconds and then down at himself, seeming to notice for the first time that he was both covered in sick and clad in only his Y-fronts. He burst into tears and made a dash for the bathroom, sobbing something about scrubbing his skin off.

Mike descended the stairs in immaculate pyjamas and slippers, looking relaxed.

'Morning, boys' he said cheerfully. 'What was all that yelling about? And I don't mean the yelling coming from my room, because' he stretched smugly 'I know exactly what that was about, and so does she.'

Vyvyan tore his eyes away from the bathroom door and shrugged.

'Dunno' he said. 'Something poofy.'

He shambled away down the stairs, yelling at Neil to make breakfast. From the crack in the bathroom door, Rick watched him go, trying very hard not to think anything pervy.


End file.
